crash bam boom

I step out the front door and pull out my phone as I think, gee, I need to be careful on these stairs... and kablam. One leg goes one way and the other goes for the stars. four or five stairs later I am desperately slamming my thumb on the disconnect button so that my sister won't hear me writhing in agony. I lay at the bottom of the stairs my jaw clenched against a scream of pain and and frustration. First I think god I hope my landlord didn't hear that. THen I think fuck him! This is bull shit Ive been complaining since the fall about the water running off the roof and not draining off the steps. IM GOING TO KICK HIS FUCKING ASS! Then I think, WAIT... I never told the landlord this... I TOLD MIKE! WHO NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO THE LANDLORD! IM GOING TO KICK HIS FUCKING ASS! He never shoveled after the last storm! He was home all day and didn't spread a drop of salt! What if I was pregnant right now? What if I was carrying a baby? What if I was carrying my computer? All of this I think in a matter of seconds before I gather my sense of sanity and decorum and the feeling of icy roof water saturating my yoga pants shocks me into action. I move and everything hurts. Nothing broken I quickly assess. And then the dogs begin to bark and I hobble to my car, throw myself inside where I can lick my wounds in private. There are four or five welts on my right leg, my ankle is sprained and a giant bruise forming on the back of my left leg. No blood, check. I start the car and burst into tears. TEARS! why am I crying? I'm fine I tell myself but I can't stop sobbing. I'm so fucking mad and hurt and embarrassed, and I keep wondering at how emotional I feel. I blow my nose, order my eyes to stop flooding and flex my stiff foot on the gas. I hate, hate, hate ice.

Thumbalina Explains It All

Some days as an educator I feel like Thumbalina standing in front of a room full of unruly monkeys. I jump up an d down screaming, "LISTEN TO ME!" Most days I speak and the hordes hear, usually they even listen, but its the end of the year. I'm sick of them, they're sick of me. To all those freaks out there who think school should go year round I say this, "FUCK NO!"

gradgiates

Watching a parade of maroon and white march haltingly I felt a sudden well of tears. Tears not of sadness, but tears of pride and those of gratefulness. I am so damn proud of all they've done to get here and so damn grateful that I got to help them accomplish this. That I was there, I was part of it all.  

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -Mae West

Even before I got Benny I was pleading the case with Mr. Onion for a second kitten. Once we had Benny and it was confirmed that he was a deamon fucker, hell cat I redoubled my efforts. I consulted the vet who confirmed that a second kitten would perhaps help to calm Benny down, or at least give him someone who could fight back with more than a squirt gun. I presented articles from cat fancy and the like, to no avail.   

Months passed and Benny grew, and grew and I resigned myself to having a fussy little fucker of a cat. Then one day Mr. Onion came home and mentioned oh so casually that there was a cat at the critter barn who needed a home. He said that she was a young female, about Benny's age (8 months) who was found abandoned in a trailer  with her litter of kittens. Since she had been taken in she had fostered an additional litter that someone had tried to drown in the river, and had managed to tame a feral kitten she was given to foster. I peppered him with questions: what was she like? Was she feline lukemia tested? what color was she? Mr. Onion in his infuriating way had no information, and seemed to think I was mad for suggesting we act on this information.  

Lucky for me I immediately knew his game. Expressing a desire to save a cat and offer it a home would put some serious strikes on the man card. By casually mentioning it to me he knew that I would attack like a Doberman on the mailman and relentlessly badger him until he agreed that I could get the cat. Then it would be my cat, my idea, my responsibility, and he and his man card would still be clear of any litter box obligations. Thus, began operation kitty kitty.  I meowed under my breath when he walked by and suggested it was his conscience. Cat toys on his pillow and ventriloquist pleas from Benny for a sister. Finally, it was my appeal to his cheaper nature that won him over ("She can be one of my christmas presents"). 

Saturday morning arrived and Mr. Onion appeared with a giant spaceship of a pet carrier, a tiny, modge-podge, speckled kitty blinking inside. I presented the crate to Benny and let him sniff and inspect. After several hiss free minutes I opened the door and Minnie Mae West sashayed forth. She sniffed Benny in the face and dismissed him instead surveying her dominion. Benny followed her, trying for all he was worth to get a sniff of her behind. In minutes Mae had made Benny her bitch and he hasn't been the same since. Like Romeo and his Juliet, Baby and Johnny, Buttercup and Westley, there is Benny and Mae. 

jaw muscles

This past weekend a birthday extravaganza was held in my honor. First stop: Zaftig's, which means plump woman in yiddish. I've come to understand that Zaftig's is the Carnegie Deli of Boston. Hour wait and completely worth it. I ordered a $20 sandwich, the New Yorker, 1/2 pound corned beef, 1/2 pound pastrami, hot, with swiss and russian dressing.... we're talking 5 inches of sandwich delight.   

When the plate was first set in front of me  I turned it this way and that planning my angle of attack. Any way I turned it, it was huge, so with cameras blazing I unhinged my jaw and took a five inch bite. Fabulous. 

Fast forward through a day spent at the Arnold Arboratum and an evening spent, eating drinking, and singing to the morning after. 

I had been awake throughout the night, never quite making it into deep, restful sleep. Just as the first grey rays of morning light happened through the window, the what that was keeping me awake occurred to me; My jaw hurt. A lot. I lay there clutching my jaw and wondering if I had blacked out at some point in the evening and missed my bout with a heavy weight fighter. Ibuprofen, a gallon of ice tea, and 1 individual pizza later and my jaw still ached and my friends had assured me that I hadn't taken to calling Mr. Goldengloves a sissy. Then it occurred to me. In my line of work I am constantly councelling children on the consequences of their actions and how all it take is one minute where you are showing off or trying to fit in to do something STUPId. What I had done, was eat a five inch sandwich. The consequences were these: bruised jaw muscles and lasting proof of my stupidity on ALL of my friend's cameras. The ache in my jaw would be my reminder that showing off comes with a price. Amen.  

Toasty Again

This past weekend I was in "the weeds" and this old man kept bugging me for warm bread. I was annoyed and in a hurry, so I stuffed the bread basket into the microwave and set it for 20 seconds and began to make a salad. Then a funny sight caught my eye, orange shadows were dancing on the floor. I yanked open the stupid microwave and the basket had two big melted holes in it and the napkin was engulfed in flames. All I could think was, "I don't have time for this crap!" I  impatiently blew out the flame, dumped the bread into an unmarred basket, and stormed into the diningroom thinking, "damn q-tip, I'll give him WARM bread."

LaDeDah + Fire = BAD STUFF

As the afternoon sun faded on this glorious day I puttered around the dining room at my latest future former place of employment lighting candles on the table tops and making conversation with the guests. As I neared one particular table the woman at it caught my eye and touched the candle holder in a gesture fraught with "please sir may I have some light". I rushed forward to oblige. (have I mentioned that I am terrified of fire and use a foot long grill lighter for this?)

Suddenly she was waving at me and saying, "NO, No! The oxygen!"

It turns out that her elderly husband was attached to a traveling oxygen tank and in my fervor I almost blew him up. Woops.