Tuesday, June 19, 2012

How to Remove a Spouse from Your Half

I tried to get into bed last night only to find Mr. Onion doing the running man right smack in the middle. That's right! There was one hairy, muscled thigh with attached foot and funky toe nails, a log like right arm, and one adorable snoring face, all on my side of the bed. This is a test of even the most experience wives trickery. As I preformed the maneuver I have perfected after years of defending my mattress territory, it occurred to me that my knowledge could certainly enrich another woman's lives as it has mine. Remember folks, as Toby Maguire said, "with great power comes great responsibility."

Phase 1: Leg Removal- Take one set of ice cold female toes. Press one to the back of a knee. Press the other to a tender inner thigh. Wait for that involuntary gasp then use the momentum of his own recoil to push said legs back to where they belong. You only get one shot at this so make sure those gams are good and glacial!

Phase 2: Trunk and Head Relocation- I have discovered that this particular part must be done smoothly and in tandem. Otherwise you risk waking the sleeping giant. First take both hands (If they are icy too it adds a certain "Je ne c'est quai?" but it isn't crucial) and place them on that hulking side. Shove and release. Shove and release, until you have a good rocking motion going. When he starts to stir give one final hard shove rolling him up onto his side while simultaneously sliding his pillows from the center of the bed back into his yard and under that giant chrome-us- dome-us. There. Now wait until he has settle back into deep sleep.

Phase 3: Initiate Quiet- If you are the sweet and forgiving sort you probably won't need this last step. For the rest of us who need just 5 snore free minutes to fall asleep, I have a never fail method. Take one female hand. Let it hover over that face that you love and adore and kiss. Then press it firmly over his mouth and nose and hold it there, slowly counting to 10. 1... 2... 3... you get the point. This next part is crucial, since no one wants to sleep next to a corpse. Remove your hand. Your husband will be so happy to breath he won't dare snore for at least 5 minutes.

Then drift off to dream land; pillows fluffed, silence gained, territory defended. Sweet Dreams.