Heavy Metal

How many of you have ever explored the local Metal scene? No I'm not talking about trying on a gold bracelet at Tiffany's. No, I don't mean taking in the bronze age sculptures at the Musee d'Art. Last night I attended a Heavy Metal concert.  I am not what anyone would imagine when picturing a devotee of the genre. Light make-up, clothing meant to offer the maximum in comfort and the minimum in fat rollage, long hair that has never (not once) been died black, etc etc. You would be right, I am not a metal fan, but my boyfriend, Mr. Onion (we call him that because he's got layers), is a HUGE metal fan, AND his brother plays in a well respected local metal group. Apparently metal and I were fated to stand uncomfortably in an empty elevator together, each watching the floors slowly click by and hoping the other won't try to strike up a conversation. I go to these concerts because Mr. Onion hopes to instill an appreciation for the man yowl, and savage guitar playing, and lyrical hyjinx, and absurd stage theatrics. He wants me to share this with him and deep down I want to like it. 

The band was called Man Witch. A name I took to mean man who practices witchcraft until the Gerber faced lead singer began a soliloquy on the tastiness of a Manwiche. The mental image of a flaccid, pink, wiener, looking like an outie belly button between two slices of whole grain, was enough to make me a little green. I held out hope for the performance until about the time that Manwiche launched into the ballad "Giant Pillow of Fear".  I looked around at my fellow concert goers and saw a room full of BAD hair and faces that would be perfect on a poster with the caption, "This is your brain on drugs."Needless to say, I was unimpressed. 

I know that my gross generalities are slightly careless and mostly for humorous affect. The truth is that everyone I know who appreciates Metal is well-read, and well-spoken. I can appreciate talented musicians like Dio and enjoy the stage shows and the smart historical lyrics. For me, however, the whole thing goes cold when I see a band with little talent using thier stage show to distract from the fact that they can't play their instruments, or when one man yowl sounds just like the next. Metal is a music that I can think about and appreciate on a purely mental level, but rarely does it transcend and become something I can identify with.